How NOT to Seduce your Husband!

Maggie had not conceived in over a year off birth control and at thirty-nine, she felt panicky that her internal clock would soon "tick out" if she didn't conceive soon. Since her menstrual cycles were somewhat erratic, she wondered if she was even ovulating. I reviewed, in detail, what the cervical mucus looked like at each stage of the menstrual cycle. "Right at ovulation, the mucus thins out into a clear, egg-whitish consistency that will maintain a two-inch string when you pull your fingers apart," I explained. "When you see that thin, clear discharge, that is your most fertile time. That is when you should have relations." Armed with her new "secret," Maggie became an expert at deciphering when she was about to ovulate. Unfortunately, her skills at seducing her husband? Not so much.

One Saturday, when her husband was glued to ESPN cheering on his alma mater in a pivotal football game against an arch rival, Maggie noticed while in the bathroom that her cervical mucus was now the runny, clear consistency that confirmed she was about to ovulate. So excited that the magic moment had come, she barged into the living room and announced to her husband, in the middle of the third quarter of his game, "Look! My cervical mucus is thin and slimy and clear." She marched up to his Lazy-Boy and demonstrated just inches from his face how the slimy goo would string out several inches.

She apparently expected him to flip cartwheels of excitement over her recent discovery (preferably in the direction of their bedroom.) Instead, he stared at the sickening slime, turned pale, and yanked his head back as though she'd swung a dead mouse in his face.Yuk! Why did she think he wanted an up-close visual of her gross secretions?

"I'm ovulating," she announced proudly. "See?" She then demonstrated her magic trick again. "We've got to do it right now!" She yanked on his arm and demanded he fulfill his "marital duties" before it was too late.

He eyed the television wistfully and the nasty mucus in disgust. Did she seriously think he'd be in the mood for sex in the middle of the most exciting game of the season? The score was tied! And did she think her in-your-face demonstration was a turn-on? Think again!

Not taking the hint, she badgered the poor guy ("What's more important, our baby or some dumb football game?") until he finally relented, if only to shut her up and get back to his game. Unfortunately, his annoyance with her for interrupting his game, coupled with his queasy stomach from her mucus display, rendered him unable to "finish the job" for the first time ever in their marriage. She stormed out of the bedroom frustrated that he had "blown" their prime opportunity and he charged out mad that she had demanded sex in the middle of an important game, like he was nothing more than a sperm donor to her. Like he was supposed to drop everything at her beck and call.

When she told me, in tears, at her next appointment about their disastrous interaction, I informed her she had twelve hours after seeing the ovulation mucus to still be at top fertility. In the future, I suggested, she should let him finish his game, then put on something a little sexier than the  baggy sweats and Mickey Mouse T-shirt she'd had on that day, and come up with a more appealing aphrodisiac than cervical mucus! (Lingerie, soft music, and perfume, perhaps?)  "Let the status of your cervical mucus be your little secret," I suggested. She laughed and agreed perhaps her seduction technique needed a little finesse.

The advice must have worked because within a year they had conceived a beautiful baby boy.