Dumber than a Zucchini Squash (Part V)

Remember good ol' Bob? (If not, check out my February Archives for stories about Bob called "Dumber than a Zucchini Squash," parts I-IV.) Bob responded to an advertisement for a "free" home security installation. Of course, my first thought was, what did Bob own in his dilapitated trailer that anyone would want to steal? His broken, plastic, ceiling-high letter holder? (See "You shouldn't have!" in the February Archives.) One of his five mangy, piddling cats? His dirty cat box? His Playboy magazines?

When the salesman arrived at Bob's trailer to set up the "free" system, he first wanted Bob to sign a one-year "sevice agreement" for the "low" monthly rate of $19.95 a month. Bob accused the man of false advertising and threatened to sue him. After all, Bob warned, "I am a distant cousin to former Congressman So-and-so, so I have power in high places." (I'll bet the Congressman cringed every time Bob bragged that he was "kinfolk."  No wonder Congressman So-and-so lost his re-election bid.)

Bob sputtered to me, "It ain't free if he expects me to pay $19.95 a month! And what good is a security system if it ain't activated?"

I agreed with him the company's advertising was misleading.

Then Bob added the clincher. "Besides, I don't need no high-falutin' security system. I got me a good ol' wooden baseball bat sitting right near the front door. And if that fails, I got me a loaded rifle next to the bed. And if that fails, Trixie (his mean, mangy Siamese cat) hisses and scratches everyone who comes into the trailer. I call her my guard cat."

Hmmm. Remind me never to solicit money for the American Cancer Society by visiting Bob's trailer--I might end up in the hospital! Bob should post a sign in his yard: This trailer is guarded by Trixie. Enter at your own risk.